Nervous about posting this, but I’ve been wanting to share these thoughts for a long time.
First off, I want to say that the concept of virginity is misogynistic, heterosexist, and penetration-centric and I hate it. It’s ridiculous. I believe the quote was from sexxxisbeautiful, “Virginity is not a sock, and sex is not a dryer.” I don’t identify as a virgin for these reasons.
So I am a queer/pansexual (depending on how I feel like describing myself in the moment) person who has not had in-person sex with someone else. A lot of times I am made to feel that my identity is less-than because of this. For a long time, even when I was in a long-distance thing with a girl, I believed that. That because I have not had sex, that means that I can’t know or name my sexual identity and desires. And it’s bullshit. If anyone has ever told you that, or made you feel that way, I want you to know it is a load of shit.
My sexual inexperience with other people does not mean that I am ignorant about my own sexuality or my body. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy sexual experiences with myself, and know what I like within that context. I’ve been masturbating since I was 14. You can learn a lot about yourself in eight years. It does not mean I don’t enjoy affection. It does not mean that I am asexual. More than one person has assumed that since I am 22 and have not had sex with another person, I must be asexual. True for some people, who identify as asexual, not true for me. It doesn’t mean that I am uncomfortable discussing sexuality. It does not mean I can’t be sex-positive, either.
I go back and forth between feeling ashamed about this, and feeling glad. Sometimes I wish I would’ve just had sex when I was younger, so I could’ve “gotten it over with” and not have to deal with this “virgin” thing anymore. I had a few opportunities. That thought sounds self-destructive and rather sex-negative when I step back from it. Not having this kind of sexual experience makes me reluctant to try to date people for fear of how they will react, or fear that they will reject me because of it. There is this expectation that because my sexual identity is queer, that I have had sexual experience. My self-identification and my level of experience do not contradict each other.
When I feel good or okay about it, I realize that it means I get to decide the kind of sexual experiences I want to have. If I had had sex before learning what I have about consent and boundaries and gender and privilege, I’m sure that it would have been a very different experience. Someone who is interested in me, and my well-being and enjoyment will be patient with me. They will practice good consent. They will respect my boundaries. And I will do the same with them. I am certainly worth that. And I’m not worried about when it will happen. Of course sometimes I wish it would happen sooner rather than later. But I’m not going to rush it. I’m going to listen to my body and communicate.
Whatever your sexual experiences amount to, it does not matter. You are who you feel you are. You deserve to have the kinds of consensual sexual experiences that you want (or don’t). You deserve to have your identity respected. You deserve to feel good about your sexuality, whatever it may be.
Not only am I honored to be quoted in this but I think its a beautiful post.